10/15/2013 A Will To Live Blog
Last night, as I expected, I had a dream that was so real. I was by myself in a quiet place and I can remember it being strangely cold. I can’t describe the place, but despite the fact it was familiar to me, it didn’t seem like a happy place. As I looked around I noticed what appeared to be an envelope. It was a very normal, white, “letter sized” envelope with no writing on it, and it wasn’t sealed. I reached over and grabbed it, slowly opened it and removed a handwritten note from within.
The paper that the note was written on was very thin, and very soft and very different. It smelled nice; I instantly got chills when I saw that it was dated October 15, 2013 and started with “Dear Dad”. I could feel my heart racing as I began to read it.
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October 15, 2013
Dear Dad,
Hey, it’s Will….yes, from Heaven. I’m sorry to surprise you with this, but I felt it was time to send you a note to simply tell you that I love you. I wish I could explain things to you Dad, but in Heaven, I learned quickly that there is no need for explanations. I can tell you this – I’m OK Dad – and I’m happy – and I’m so proud of you.
I know you miss me Pop, but I don’t miss you – you know why? Because I’m with you every minute of every day – I know this is hard for you to understand but the best way to describe it is “I feel you – I feel your love” and I want you to always know that.
I know that this is a difficult day for you and mom and Tommy, Mike and Holyn – as well as so many friends in so many places, this is why I picked today to send you this note. Three years ago today my physical presence left your life and I know that this is so hard for you – but please know that Heaven is real and Heaven is all that you want and dream it to be – actually the “dreaming” plays the bigger role than the “wanting” which in my opinion makes it so awesome. You always told me to “dream”- in fact you used to say that “chasing the dream was more fun than achieving it” – see Dad – I did listen J.
I know these three years have been hard for you, but I also know Dad, that they’ve been wonderful for you. I have felt your love and hope every day. When you speak to my friends, and their families about the importance of loving each other, I feel you. When you speak to parents and coaches about the importance of understanding the trials that kids face today – I feel you. I was with you earlier this month when you spoke in Cleveland too Dad. Do you remember when you started to get emotional after they played that video of me? Well, it was me who turned off the Microphone at that moment. I wanted you to get a chance to catch your breath so you could speak form the heart to that crowd of so many teens and their families, who so needed to hear your message. Could you feel me Dad? I was there.
I always loved you Dad, and I was always proud of you. You taught me how to love my friends … and now you are showing them the importance of recognizing and embracing the love they have for each other – Right Now –
Today! When you do that – when you tell them to turn to each other and say “Love ya man” – I feel it Dad- no matter where I am – I feel it – and it always makes me smile.
Please never stop Dad… you’re finally doing what you were meant to do – and it makes me so proud. When you told that crowd in Cleveland that: “Depression is real, it’s treatable, it’s curable, and it’s OK – so let’s talk about it!” – I became stronger – and I felt you becoming stronger as the speech continued. So many people needed to hear that message that night – and so many more people still need to hear it.
For three years Dad – you and mom have changed people’s approach to life…. You are helping them to create a more positive world – appreciating the “singles” instead of waiting only for home runs to celebrate (are you happy? I used a baseball analogy!). There are so many kids who don’t understand the good that exists today… so many that may not realize the love that exists today right next to them… so many who are just like me dad – just like I was… and you’re helping them….please keep helping them and know that I’m with you whenever you do.
Keep putting Mom first…. Keep showing Tommy and Mikey and Holyn how to laugh every day… I think I loved that most about you – and keep showing my friends and the kids everywhere, “The Love” that you always showed me.
Know that I’ve been with you every minute of these three years Dad… you are making me happy Dad – please don’t ever stop – they say in Heaven that you’re doing “God’s work”.
Love Ya Man!
Will
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I put the letter down, and I heard someone say “Dad!” – and I woke up. I rubbed my eyes, and realized that I had been crying in my sleep. I thought about Will – I wanted to give him a hug – 3 years today – October 15th 2010 -seems like yesterday and it seems like 30 years ago – all at the same time. As I stared out the window from my bed, that familiar pain in the left side of my chest returned. I exhaled very slowly, when suddenly, I felt someone breathing softly next to me – I turned over and found my little girl Holyn sleeping beside me, she must have climbed down to our bedroom in the middle of the night… probably right when my dream started. I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead… she opened her eyes and smiled at me – quickly I felt the pain in my chest drift away.
“Love is real, real is love; Love is feeling, feeling love, Love is wanting to be loved
Love is touch, touch is love; Love is reaching, reaching love, Love is asking to be loved
Love is You – You and Me- Love is knowing we can be
Love is free, free is love; love is living, living love, Love is needing to be loved”
– John Lennon
I love you Will – and I promise I’ll keep dreaming buddy…
LYM,
Dad
John Trautwein
October 15, 2013 (3 Year Anniversary of Will’s Death)
